Lately in conversations with friends and clients, I'm hearing a lot of self-critical talk. It's a chorus of "should haves," "wish I could's," and a whole lot of fault-finding. guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, and frustration. And if we are saying it to others, how much worse are the things we say to ourselves? Critical self-talk ties our brains up in knots, taking up space and leaves us feeling deflated, overwhelmed and drained. As someone with ADHD, this resonates deeply with me.
Why We're So Hard on Ourselves
People find fault with themselves for numerous reasons:
Comparing themselves to others (who probably don't have ADHD)
Other people's expectations of them (often not understanding ADHD challenges)
Expectations of themselves (sometimes unrealistic due to ADHD symptoms)
Society and its expectations (which aren't always ADHD-friendly)
What strikes me the most is that these individuals, especially those of us with ADHD, are all doing the best we can given our circumstances. Some are dealing with new experiences or changes, some are dealing with things beyond their control, and let's face it, having ADHD adds an extra layer of complexity to all of these situations.
The Irony of Self-Criticism
Self-criticism means we beat ourselves up with our thoughts and the various emotions attached to this such as guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, and frustration. But here's the kicker – if the shoes were on the other foot, we would do our utmost to reassure someone else that they were doing the best they could and that it was ok.
Many of these individuals are some of the kindest, hardworking, compassionate people I know. Yet, we struggle to extend that same kindness to ourselves.
The ADHD Factor
For those of us with ADHD, self-criticism can be particularly harsh. We might berate ourselves for forgetting important tasks, struggling with time management, or feeling overwhelmed by everyday responsibilities. It's crucial to remember that these challenges are part of our neurodiversity, not character flaws.
The Power of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is vital to help build resilience and brings about a sense of peace, as well as enhancing your self-esteem and overall well-being. This is especially true for adults with ADHD who often face unique challenges.
When you experience a setback or failure (which, let's be honest, can feel more frequent with ADHD), self-compassion helps us to bounce back quicker. Instead of getting stuck in self-doubt and negative self-talk, we can show ourselves kindness and understanding.
Practicing Self-Compassion with ADHD
So how do you do it? Here are some ADHD-friendly tips:
Treat yourself like a friend: "It's ok that I didn't quite manage to tidy the house today as planned. My ADHD made it harder to get everything (or anything done), and that's alright. I can try again."
Challenge your inner critic: When that voice starts up, ask if what you're telling yourself is really true. Is forgetting one appointment really a sign of total failure, or just a symptom of ADHD that you're working on managing?
Focus on the positives: When that inner critic is being negative, try to focus on what went well in the day. Maybe you remembered to pay a bill on time or finally got around to something you've been putting off.
Seek support: Connect with other adults with ADHD. Sometimes, hearing that others face similar struggles can be incredibly validating and comforting.
A Personal Note
As an adult with ADHD, I've had my fair share of self-critical moments. There were times when I felt like I couldn't keep up with the "neurotypical" world. But learning to practice self-compassion has been a game-changer. It's helped me navigate the unique challenges of ADHD with more grace and less stress.
And I'm going to end this blog as I normally do and suggest that if you're struggling to show yourself some compassion and can't seem to find a way out of beating yourself up on a regular basis, have a think about going to see someone. Be it a counsellor, a life coach, or an ADHD specialist. Sometimes the things we refuse to see in ourselves are often very visible to others, and a professional can offer strategies tailored to your ADHD brain.
Remember, your ADHD brain is different, not deficient. Be kind to yourself – you're doing better than you think.
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